В двух словах
И вот - под раскаты грома - Фестер возник на пороге. Правда, он странный. Подозрительный какой-то. Сомнительный даже. Что-то явно не так. Но доктор Пиндер-Шлосс объяснила Гомесу, что все в порядке. Это всего лишь замещение. Итак, в дом проникли посторонние личности, и они задумали недоброе. У нас нехорошие предчувствия...
Зачем стоит перечитать текст фильма "Семейка Аддамс"
- из каких бойскаутов сделаны те печенья?
- как страдала птичка Муэрто после пропажи Фестера.
- кто научил Аддамсов танцевать "Мамушку".
- и насколько отвратительна теория замещения в изложении доктора Пиндер-Шлосс.
А теперь - текст
/* Все скучают по Фестеру. Где ты, Фестер?.. */
Think of it, Thing.
For 25 years, we've attempted to contact Fester in the great beyond,
and for 25 years... nothing.
I'm beginning to think my brother truly is lost.
Don't be a baby. I know what I'm doing. Help me.
Look at her.
I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.
― Unhappy, darling?
― Oh, yes. Yes, completely.
/* Тиш... Твой французский!.. */
Gomez... sun. Il me perce comme unpoignard.
Oh, Tish. That's French.
― En garde, Monsieur Soleil!
― Last night you were unhinged. You were like some desperate howling demon.
You frightened me. Do it again.
Thank you, Lurch.
― Damn you, Addams!
― Sorry about the window, Judge. Keep the ball. I have a whole bucketful.
― You moron!
It is a milestone, Tish. This very night, our 25th seance.
All those years gnawed by guilt... undone by woe... burning with uncertainty.
Don't torture yourself, Gomez. That's my job.
Imagine, darling, if Fester did come back... half alive... barely human, a rotting shell.
I'm warning you.
Look, darling. Tully is here.
/* Талли пришел. Он снова хочет денег... */
Romping with Gate.
― These are your last paying clients, may I remind you?
― If it gives you pleasure.
― Something has to, like a decent coat, something dressy for evening. Ask for a loan-- beg.
― No loans. I am not a bum.
― Don't say it.
― I'll get the money. I have a plan.
― This is all so humiliating. Why did I marry you?
― Because I said yes.
I'm here to see Mrs. Addams about the charity auction.
Stop it! Let go of me!
Dirty pool, old man.
I like it.
Where's my pen? Never mind. I'll take yours.
First, the old business.
Perhaps it's in here.
I don't think so.
"Uncle Niknak's winter wardrobe."
"Uncle Niknak's summer wardrobe."
― "The Fester Addams offshore retirement fund"? What would it do?
― What wouldn't it do?
― Fester, all tribute to thee. Some called him inhumanly evil.
― Only our parents. I called him brother.
― His memory must live on forever... through money.
I'm depositing the funds under my name for tax purposes.
― That's inspired.
He would've wanted it that way.
For Fester, a brother.
One of a kind!
― The doctors all said!
― Kind to animals.
― So good with children.
― They never proved anything.
― $1 million is the perfect amount.
― It's untraceable.
- But, Tully, it's not old business. It's going to have to wait. You know the rules better than that.
― This is different. This is in my name. Make an exception.
― Old business is old business. This is new business, and we do not discuss
new business until... next quarter.
- Next quarter? Next quarter?
― Fine lunge, but your riposte - tsk tsk tsk, a tad rusty.
Make yourself comfortable, old man, while I get the money for the monthly expenses.
There it is. Just what we've been searching for. Thank you, Thing.
― My God. What is it?
― A finger trap from the court of Emperor Wu.
― It must be worth a fortune. Ooh, Morticia. This is too extravagant... even for the auction.
― Let's keep it.
― Hush, Mama. It's for charity. Widows and orphans. We need more of them.
― About the seance tonight. I wish you'd come. It's Gomez. I'm terribly worried about him.
He won't eat. He can't sleep. He keeps coughing up blood.
― He coughs up blood?
― Well, not like he used to.
― There. The monthly expenses.
― Miss Bradbury. Miss Bradbury!
― She's gone home, Mr. Alford.
― Oh, Mrs. Craven. I wasjust about to call you.
― I'm certain you were. You haven't met my son Gordon, have you, Mr. Alford?
― Is this the one, Mother? That deadbeat you mentioned?
― No, w-wait. Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. You have to listen to me.
― Do we, Mr. Alford? And why?
― Please... Hear me out! Hear me out! Please... Please! Ah!
― Your call, Mother.
― Gordon and I enjoy a very special relationship.
― She's a pip!
― Refreshing, no? Down, Gordon.
― We've lent you a considerable sum, many thousands of dollars. Payment due.
― I don't have the money. I've tried everything.
― Oh, Gordon, I want to believe him.
― So do I.
― Make me proud.
― No, no, no, no, no.
― He lied to us, Mother.
― It's not what you think. Those are doubloons for the Addams account.
― There's a fortune. But nobody can get to it. I've tried.
― Have you? Have you tried hard enough? Ask him, sweetheart.
― No, no, no, sweetheart. Don't ask.
It's a miserable night.
I know, darling.
Seance weather. Children, we're starting! Put down that antenna.
― It's unbelievable. This hideous creature and my little boy.
― They could be twins.
― But they're his family. What makes you think they'll fall for it?
― You shave your head. We dress you up. No problem.
They'll think he's Fester, their long-lost brother.
― I hope so, for your sake.
― I've been the Addams lawyer foryears. They're morons.
― What about the gold?
― They got this vault.
― I'm not sure.
― That's a problem.
― Fester's been missing for 25 years. He and Gomez had a fight. Gomez feels incredibly guilty about it. He'll tell you anything. Just ask.
― It's foolproof.
― It had better be. Now, get out.
― It's going to be great. You're gonna get back all the money I owe you and - and more.
You'll see. Really.
― This is it, Mother. The one we've been waiting for. No more loan sharking, no more storefront scams. I get the gold, and we're gone. And Tully takes the rap.
― Gordon, it's brilliant.
― No, not Gordon.
― Of course not. Fester.
― Big night for you guys, eh, small fry?
― Hello, sweetheart. Could you? Oh... Thank God.
Welcome, honored guests.
― Sing, O spirits. Harken all souls.
Every year on this date, we offer a clarion call to Fester Addams.
From generation to generation, our beacon to the beyond.
All close eyes and join hands.
― Ow! What a grip! Ow! Oh, my hand. Ohh! My hand! She's got my hand!
― Aah! Aah! Aah!
― O.K., pumpkin, sit down. Join the fun.
― Mama, you should know better.
Thing, you're a handful.
― Let us ransom you from the power of the grave. Tonight, O Death, let us be your plague.
Fester Addams, ceoli couris, ferimani bo - I feel that he's near.
Fester Addams... gather your strength... and knock three times.
Did you hear that?
― Ask again, Mama, quickly.
― By all means.
― Ask, ask.
― Fester Addams, I demand that you knock again.
― He's at the door!
― Could it be?
― Is it him?
― Is it possible?
― Oh, my God.
― Good evening.
― I am Dr. Pinder-Schloss.
/* Странная история доктора Пиндер-Шлосс */
He was found in Miami, tangled in a tuna net.
It was just last month during the Hurricane Helga.
The sky, it was black like pitch. The waves, they were walls of doom.
Can you imagine?
They drag him from the ocean, from the very jaws ofoblivion.
I'm telling you. There were tests, so many tests. A complete psychological profile.
At long last, the Florida Department of the Fish and the Game,
they say, lo and behold, oh, my, oh, my, oh, my... go tell it on the mountains, he is your brother.
Boom! They give him to me at Human Services, and I am bringing him,
after all these years, after who knows what heartache, after the naked and the dead,
I am bringing him home to you.
― That's preposterous. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?
― It certainly is.
Now you're back.
Yes, back. Back to share your joys, your sorrows - Hey, everything.
― I just don't know. How does this work, again?
― An infant would understand.
Fester Addams... home at long last.
Well, at least for a week.
Don't be ridiculous. You're home.
Sorry, but I have to get back.
Got a lot of things cooking in the Bermuda Triangle.
The Bermuda Triangle.
The black hole of Calcutta.
― Dr. Pinder-Schloss, will you be staying with us, too?
― No, no. I must be going.
― But I will be back, you can bet, to be checking on Fester's adjustment.
― Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle, not even for a vacation. Everyone knows that.
― Oh, my little bundle. So much you don't understand. The human spirit, it is a hard thing to kill.
― Even with a chain saw.
Unpacking? Let me.
It's all right. I can do it.
Crowbar. Dynamite."Cyanide." Fester... as if we'd run out. Good night.
Nosy little brat.
Aah! Aah! Aah!
― My own dear brother. I've got goose bumps.
― I know.
― Screams in the night... It can only mean one thing.
― He's home.
Leave me alone!
/* Утро. Фестер. Брат! */
Damn, it's good to have you back.
Let's go. Two out of three?
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Home cooking! There's nothing like it in the world.
May I have the salt?
What do we say?
― What is this?
― Mama's specialite de la maison.
― Oh, Tish.
― Start with the eyes.
― Did you sleep well?
― Like the dead.
― Really? Who would have thought the Bermuda Triangle could change a man so much?
You used to toss and turn all night. We had to chain you to the bedpost.
― Doesn't make sense.
― The Bermuda Triangle is a very strange and mysterious place.
You'd be surprised at all the things you don't know.
― She certainly would. Wednesday adores the Bermuda Triangle.
She studies it. Death at sea - She's hooked.
― Ask me anything.
― Being in my old room sure brings back memories. Remember Camp Custer?
― For preteen offenders.
― Aren't memories precious? Today I'd like to wander through the house... remembering.
― No, no. Sorry, old man, no wandering today. Today we're going straight to the vault.
I feel like we're children again.
Tag. You're it!
Smell that air, Fester. Like a tomb.
Tutti a bordo, fratello mio.
The sea - your second home.
― Do you think that's really Uncle Fester?
― Father says so, but I think Mother isn't sure. Pugsley, sit in the chair.
― So we can play a game.
― What game?
― It's called... Is There A God?
2 to the right. 10 to the left. And then around to...
11. 2, 10, 11. Eyes, fingers, toes. So many years.
― Our secret place. Sanctus sanctorum.
If these walls could speak, eh, old man?
― What, uh, what would they say?
― You tell me.
― You first.
― Uh-uh. Senior partner.
― Junior spaceman.
― First a brandy. Do the honors. I've got a real treat in store.
Where is it, you ridiculous imbecile?
The debutante ball.
Remember that fateful night?
What? Come on. I've smoked since I was 5. Mother insisted.
Flora and Fauna.
Quite the pair, eh, Gomez?
Can you ever forgive me?
I didn't love them, yet I wooed them both out of foolish pride. You were so dashing, you could have any woman you wanted, dead or alive. I was jealous. Insanely jealous. I admit that now.
But I did not mean to drive you off. Not to the Bermuda Triangle.
Water under the bridge.
Come on. Say it.
Say the secret password.
The password? I...
Come on. Stop fooling. You remember.
I'm choking. Please. You forgot our secret password,
the word we used a hundred times a day, our special private name for each other?
― That was a long time ago when we were children.
You almost killed me, you demented freak.
― Poor devil, what did they do to you in that Bermuda Triangle?
But if he's not Uncle Fester, then who is he?
Somebody else. It has to warm up.
So it can kill you.
I knew that.
Children, what are you doing?
I'm going to electrocute him.
But we're late for the charity auction.
I said no.
Oh, all right.
/* Благотворительный вечер */
This magnificent piece is encrusted with rubies and 15 emerald chips.
Uh, it was donated by Morticia and Gomez Addams. Remember, this year, over half our proceeds will benefit the elderly and the mentally disabled. I'll open the bidding at $5,000.
― 5? Hah! Not good enough. $20,000.
― What are they doing?
― I have 20.
― 25. Cara mia?
― 30. Mon sauvage.
35. Eres divina.
I have $50,000.
Your turn, my ecstasy.
50,000 going once.
50,000 going twice.
Sold to Morticia Addams for $50,000.
Isn't it too enchanting?
How do you take it off?
There's a trick to it...
"How do you take it off?" That's absurd. That finger trap was a party favor at his 10th birthday.
Father's playing with his trains. He wore that finger trap for two years.
Mother had to teach him to eat with his feet.
And the combination and the password and my cigar, and he slept so well.
He's using the diesel.
The covered bridge.
Dead man's curve.
It's all about Uncle Fester, isn't it?
Spirits above me, give me a sign. Shall I be joyous, or shall I be damned? Sleepless night?
Walk with me, Fester.
Aunt LaBorgia. Executed by a firing squad.
Cousin Fledge. Torn limb from limb by four wild horses.
And darling Uncle Eimar. Buried alive.
Psychopaths... fiends... mad-dog killers. Brutes, Fester. Pioneers. Lest we forget.
Your beloved Muerto.
After you left, he was simply a different vulture.
He wouldn't circle. He wouldn't peck. That's how much you mean to this family.
Mother and Father Addams.
How I wish the children could have known them better, but tell that to an angry mob.
And our credo, "Sic gorgiamus allos subjectatos nunc."
We gladly feast on those who would subdue us.
― Not just pretty words. As an Addams, you understand completely, don't you?
― As an Addams... yes, I do.
― Good night, Fester. Rest in peace.
They're on to me, Mother. I'm almost sure.
Of course I tried. I still can't find it. You gotta get over here.
"Arsenic, cyanide"-- cyan--arsenic.
Don't say that. You know I do.
His trains are everywhere.
The children are beside themselves.
Is that for your brother?
I don't think so.
This can't go on.
How can I help him?
Tell me, Mama.
― Troubled husbands. Adultery?
― Oh, no.
― Uh, financial, money troubles?
― "Turned into toad or reptile."
― Is there an index?
― They know I'm a fraud. The whole bunch. It's not going to work.
― Who knows? Gomez, that overheated moron?
― He's no moron. He's Fester's brother. They had some awful fight years ago. He's suspicious. They all are. I can tell.
― Really? Well, thank God I came over here. I will counsel the troubled family, ease their distress. It's my calling, remember, Gordon?
― I'm a doctor.
Why don't you speak to Fester, darling? He's right outside the door.
I would speak with Fester if that were Fester, but that is not.
That's an impostor.
A charlatan! A sham!
O villain, villain,
smiling, damned villain.
Who calls me a villain,
breaks my pate across,
cuts off my beard,
and blows it in my face?
If I must strike you dead,
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Give me that sword.
Haven't you ever
He's only a child.
Aim for a major artery.
An utter fraud!
A base, deceitful--
/* Доктор Пиндер-Шлосс рассказывает про теорию замещения... */
The theory of displacement - Is this familiar?
― No. Tish?
― Oh, it is too exciting. I will explain.
― Is it unpleasant?
― Deeply. Your very own brother, you drive him away. "Go! Off with you!"
But then you are feeling the little black monster.
― Guilt. Yes? Your brother returns. You feel guilty. You displace.
― I do?
― The feelings in your brain cells, they bubble and collide.
You suspect things. You love him, but you resent him.
Love. Hate. Hate. Love. Like for Mama. No?
― I didn't hate my mother. It was an accident.
― It's a very common psychosis. I'm seeing it every day.
― Lucky doctor.
Displacement. How bizarre.
And here I thought Fester was the problem. He's sullen.
― He's furtive.
― He sulks.
― I suspect him.
― You're unbalanced.
― And I hate him.
By God, you're right!
He is Fester!
Thankyou, Dr. Pinder-Schloss.
I do what I can.
You see, children,
there's lots to learn.
how do you know so much?
I've been around.
I pick things up.
In the Bermuda Triangle?
a new chapter.
Three parts dynamite
with a nitroglycerin cap.
It's perfect for
small holes, carports,
Everyone will be at the
children's play tonight, correct?
I've been working with them.
It's going to be fun.
Is that what
we're here for, fun?
Oh, darling, forgive me.
See what they've driven me to?
I've raised a hand to my child,
my reason for living.
You can't go to the play.
But the kids...
The house will be deserted.
The vault will be ours.
Can you hear it, my treasure?
It beats only for you.
Listen closely. It says,
"Gordon, I love you.
Gordon, the vault."
I do hear it.
Soon we'll have the money, and we'll be far from here.
Ah, there you are, at last.
What a fool I was to doubt you.
Dr. Pinder-Schloss explained everything.
What a lovely woman. So chilly.
It's a common psychosis.
Isn't that grand?
― Is it?
Look at it, Fester.
The primeval ooze - quicksand, fumes, toxic waste.
It's all ours, Fester.
You belong here, old man.
You don't know what you're asking.
You have a beautiful wife, wonderful children, a wasteland.
I'm in the way.
In the way? My brother?
Gomez, take care.
For you, life is all fun and games.
You dance in a graveyard.
But things change.
Precisely. You're back.
All those years apart, Fester.
We can't do that again.
Damn you, Addams!
Come on, Uncle Fester.
Come to the play.
I said I was busy.
But you said you'd help us with the Shakespeare and the pus.
I changed my mind.
Mrs. Addams, can I see you for a moment?
― I'm Susan Firkins. I'm Wednesday's teacher.
― Oh, of course.
Wednesday's told us so much about you.
― Wednesday is an excellent student, but, frankly, I'm concerned.
You see, this is our class bulletin board.
This month our theme is our heroes--
people we love and admire.
You see, Susan Ringo has chosen the president.
Isn't that sweet?
And Harmony Feld has picked Jane Pauley.
― Have you spoken to her parents?
― But Wednesday brought in this picture--
― Calpurnia Addams. Wednesday's Great-aunt Calpurnia.
She was burned as a witch in 1706.
They say she danced naked in the town square
and enslaved a minister.
― Oh, yes.
But don't worry.
We've told Wednesday - college first.
― Isn't he adorable? I made this myself.
― It's charming. What is he, a lizard?
― An elf. Look at you.
You are too precious for words.
Why, I could just eat you alive.
― Oh, no, Margaret. Too young.
― Wednesday, Pugsley.
― I changed my mind.
― Uncle Fester.
― Gordon? Gordon? It's Mother.
Damn it, where is he?
I never should have used him.
I knew you couldn't stay away, old man.
Are you there?
Ooh! Ooh! My goodness!
Say! Look! Ooh!
Will somebody come here--
Oh, good--Oh! Aah!
Hmm! Hmm! Hmm! Ah-ha ha!
How all occasions do inform against me
and spur my dull revenge.
Oh, from this time forth,
my thoughts be bloody or nothing worth.
If I must strike you dead, I will.
A very palpable hit.
O proud Death...
what feast is toward in thine eternal cell?
Sweet Oblivion, open your arms.
There were sailors, pirates,
and a plane full of tourists from Miami Beach,
all lost in the Triangle.
will you take me there someday?
It's a promise.
Good night, Wednesday.
You were terrific.
A theatrical triumph.
It's like a dream.
When we first met,
it was an evening much like this.
Magic in the air.
An open grave.
It was my first funeral.
You were so beautiful.
Pale and mysterious.
No one even looked at the corpse.
Your cousin Balthazar.
You were still a suspect.
I couldn't stop staring at you
all through the eulogy.
Your eyes, your mustache,
You bewitched me.
I proposed that very night.
Just think - someday we'll be buried here,
side by side, 6 feet under,
in matching coffins,
our lifeless bodies
rotting together for all eternity.
Just get me out.
Did you like the blood?
I was so proud.
Weren't we all?
Wednesday, play with your food.
Who put this in here?
That's for company.
Doctor, you were so right.
What an evening.
Fester fit right in.
The displacement is over.
Isn't that nice?
Does he really have to go?
Yes, he does.
Well, if he insists upon leaving,
we shall mark the occasion.
We've planned a farewell party.
We've invited the entire clan.
What a lovely gesture.
We're a family again,
and we owe it all to you, Dr. Pinder-Schloss.
― Please - Greta.
/* Они не твоя семья, Фестер. Я - твоя семья... */
― Fester, walk me out.
― I'm fine, Mother. I'm completely in control.
― They're not your family, Gordon.
They don't love you.
They're evil and corrupt and degraded.
I can give you that.
― I'm fine. Really.
― We'll see.
Tish, how long has it been since we've waltzed?
It, old man!
Far too long.
Don't let me out of your sight.
Don't threaten me, Margaret.
These people are abnormal.
Oh, by all means.
They're clients, Margaret.
Would you run upstairs and check on your uncle, please?
Why, Lumpy Addams.
Look at you.
All grown up.
I hope so.
I'm counting on you.
Don't let me down.
It's not gonna be easy.
There are people everywhere.
You can do it if you stop whining.
Nobody likes that.
All right. Fine.
I will try and reach the vault tonight.
But if I can't,
well, then that's it.
I knew it.
You are a fake.
Come here, my little one.
Flora and Fauna Amor.
I cannot see.
I am blinded by such beauty.
You terrible flirt.
At least with me.
Why, Gomez, the Amor twins.
I've heard so much about you.
Morticia, you nabbed him.
This darling man.
He was mine!
He was mine!
How can I compete?
You're twice the woman I am.
Tully, the Amor twins.
They're waiting for Fester.
Oh, my God.
You mean you don't know?
It's too intriguing.
Fester's king of the castle again, isn't he?
Fester's the older brother, so he gets it all--
The house, the money, you name it.
Fester's single, isn't he?
Are you, Mr. Alford?
Why, Fauna -
Excuse me, ladies.
I can't find her anywhere.
Let's just leave.
Out the back.
Now pull yourself together.
She'll turn up, the little cockroach.
Get to the party or they'll suspect something.
I'll be down soon.
/* Эта мамушка для тебя, Фестер! */
Everyone, your attention, please.
Tonight we dance for our treasured guest of honor - Fester Addams.
Taught to us by our Cossack cousins,
the mamushka has been an Addams family tradition
since God knows when.
We danced the mamushka while Nero fiddled.
We danced the mamushka at Waterloo.
We danced the mamushka for Jack the Ripper.
And now, Fester Addams, his mamushka is for you.
Where are you going?
Hey, not to worry.
But that hideous little girl knows--
I'm in charge.
10 minutes, I'll be back.
What the hell's going on over there?
How would you like to be rid of the Addamses for good?
What can I do for you?
You are going to love this.
W e've been married for almost 20 years.
Sometimes it seems like more.
Well, people grow.
Isn't it a beautiful night?
Come see me before you leave.
I'll call once I'm alone.
There's your ride, girls.
You're a marvelous dancer.
It's been such fun.
I can't. We mustn't.
― Gordon. Gordon, stop it. Stop it, Gordon. Stop it this instant. Is that lipstick all overyour face?
― From the twins. The beauteous Amor twins.
― The twins? Gordon, I don't understand. Have you been having a good time?
― Yes! I have! It was marvelous. I sang up a storm and danced till I dropped.
And a hey! And a hey!
And a hey! And a hey! And a hey!
― Mother? Mother? Who is that? I don't think I recall.
― Mother, please.
I'm just fine.
― Don't concern yourself about me, Gordon. Please, return to your depraved orgy.
Sometimes I think you're not even my son.
― Don't say that.
― I'm just your mother.
You only owe me your entire existence on this planet.
Please, Gordon, by all means, go sing, dance, date.
― Oh, Mother, I'm so terribly sorry.
It was just a party.
It means nothing.
The siamese twins, the hunchback,
Cousin It - They're not you.
Say it, Gordon.
Make me believe it.
I love you.
And I want money.
We've got to find Tully.
Look, our little boy.
All tuckered out.
It's so sweet.
He looks just like a little entree.
Where's the party?
It's over, darling.
Have you seen your sister?
Not since before the mamushka.
Pugsley, head for the dung heap.
Mama and Morticia, the shallow graves.
I'll take the abyss.
Lurch, check out the bottomless pit.
Fester, you take the ravine and the unmarked abandoned well.
Someone should stay behind
in case she comes back.
Good man. Good thinking.
Then who'll take the swamp?
That's the spirit, Thing.
Lend a hand.
What are you doing?
Taking a little sun.
Have you gone mad?
What is all this?
This is a restraining order.
― Restraining order?
― Yes. It requires you to keep a distance of 1,000 yards from this house.
― I am restrained from my own house?
― Not your house, mustache. Not anymore.
It belongs to the oldest living descendant,
the elder brother - Fester Addams.
― Fester adores Gomez.
― He's afraid of him.
Seeing the twins brought it back.
You're bitter rivals.
― I demand to speak with Fester.
― Sorry. No can do.
He's very hurt.
But he isn't even Uncle Fester.
Have no fear.
Justice shall prevail.
The courts will decide.
They say a man who represents himself has a fool for a client.
Well, with God as my witness,
I am that fool!
Therefore, it is with no small amount of personal satisfaction
that I declare Fester Addams legal executor of the Addams estate
and rightful owner of all possessions and properties contained therein
with one exception.
Gomez Addams, I believe these are yours.
― You are doing this on purpose.
― That's right, Mother. Isn't this fun?
― I'll race you back.
Yes, we've been forced from our home.
Yes, we've been betrayed by those we trusted,
but we are Addamses,
and we will not submit.
Who recalls the fable of the tortoise and the hare -
the swift yet lazy little cottontail
and his slow but determined companion?
― What does this story teach us?
― Kill the hare!
― Skin it. Boil it.
― Put the tortoise on the highway. During rush hour.
― Yes. We will survive.
Poison us. Strangle us. Break our bones.
We will come back for more. And why?
Because we like it. Because we're Addamses. We're Addamses.
On the house.
We have so many homemakers reentering the workforce.
Your domestic skills can be very valuable.
― Uh, college?
― Private tutors.
― Spells and hexes.
― Liberal arts. What about your husband? Is he currently employed?
― He's going through a bad patch at the moment, but it's not his fault.
― Of course not. What is he, a loafer? A hopeless layabout? A shiftless dreamer?
― Not anymore.
/* А печенье сделано из настоящих скаутов? */
― Is this made from real lemons?
― I only like all-natural fruits and beverages, organically grown with no preservatives.
Are you sure they're real lemons?
― Well, I'll tell you what. I'll buy a cup if you buy a box of my delicious Girl Scout cookies. Deal?
― Are they made from real Girl Scouts?
/* Подлинная история Ганса и Греты */
And, so, the witch lured Hansel and Gretel into the candy house by promising them more sweets.
She told them to look in the oven.
She was about to push them in when, lo and behold, Hansel pushed the poor, defenseless witch
into the oven instead where she was burned alive, writhing in agony.
Now, boys and girls, what do you think that feels like?
/* А Гомес ищет следы */
― Welcome to the show.
Voodoo witch doctors in the United States--
Do they really exist or is this just tabloid hooey?
We'd love you to call in with your comments.
After lunch, we'll try again.
We'll find the money.
Meanwhile, we have this little nest, quiet and cozy, without that dreadful family.
― You claim that your son was brainwashed by voodoo witch doctors and forced to recruit others.
Let's take a call.
― Hello, Sally.
― Mr. Addams, please stop calling. We do not know where they meet.
Let's take another call.
― Gomez, why don't we go for a drive? The whole family.
― A drive? And miss Gilligan?
Dinner's going to be late.
Here, boy. Here, boy.
I would like to speak with Fester, please.
You're a desperate woman consumed by greed and bitterness.
We could have been such friends.
― Gordon, let's get started.
― But, Mother...
― Stop stalling.
― I'm not stalling, and stop badgering me.
― The vault, Mrs. Addams -
― Any thoughts?
― None whatsoever.
― Tully, take over. Tighten it.
― I got this stomach thing when I torture people.
― Do it.
― Ah! You've done this before.
Who is it?
We're paid through Thursday.
It's terrible when you stutter.
at once. Stop!
Not with red-hot pokers!
Is this gonna smell?
― Tully Alford - charlatan, deadbeat, parasite. How Gomez adored you.
― Well, not enough.
― Morticia. Please.
― And, dear Fester, which is the real you - the loathsome, underhanded monster you've become
or the loathsome, underhanded monster we came to love?
― Don't ask me.
― I know what you're feeling, Fester.
Gordon, I have a thought.
Just a notion, top of my head. Tell me what you think.
Since you and Mrs. Addams are so very close... be my guest.
Darling, take care.
Dirty pool, old man. Never again!
One for you, Tully,
and now... one for me.
Gomez, I'm on retainer.
Let him up.
Now get moving, Addams.
Take him to the vault,
and if you're not back in one hour...
I displace her.
― Tish, seeing you like this, my blood boils.
― As does mine.
― This wheel of pain...
― Our wheel.
― To live without you - only that would be torture.
― A day alone - only that would be death.
Knock it off.
The vault, Addams, right now.
― But, Mother, you can't...
Can it, Gordon. Stop dragging your feet. You disgust me!
You're nothing but a useless, sniveling baby, a stone around my neck.
What was I thinking? I should have left you where I found you.
― No tricks, Gomez. That's the wrong book. Allow me.
― Good show, old man.
― Put that book down, Gordon. You don't know what it can do. It's not just literature.
― Oh, really?
Gordon, I'm your friend. Think of the doubloons.
They're not yours, Tully.
Leather straps. Red-hot pokers.
Later, my dearest.
Keep the book closed.
Listen to Mother.
― I'll never listen to you, never ever again.
― I had to be strict with you because I cared. Put it down!
― You never really loved me.
Fester, this way!
Stop whining, you little good-for-nothing. Be a man!
You were a terrible mother!
There! I said it.
Are they dead?
Does it matter?
Here we come.
Pugsley, old man.
Why, look at you.
How do you like it?
What can I say?
He's gonna break hearts.
Trick or treat.
I almost didn't recognize you.
Isn't he handsome?
Everyone keeps asking where he bought his costume.
It is a wonderful hat.
― What are you, darling? Where's your costume?
― This is my costume. I'm a homicidal maniac. They look just like everyone else.
― I'm so glad. I can spend this night with my family now that I've got my memory back.
Thank God for that lightning.
Knocked some sense into you.
You remember, old man.
Dr. Pinder-Schloss really did find Fester
tangled in a tuna net 25 years ago, with amnesia.
From the Bermuda Triangle.
Stranger things have happened.
Please, Uncle Fester.
For the picture.
All right, everybody, time for a game.
What shall it be?
Bobbing for apples?
Of course. Wake the dead.
Wake the dead!
Wake the dead!
Out to the cemetery.
I've never played this before. How does it go?
Did you bring a shovel?
Uncle Fester, be on my team.
We'll give you a head start - three skulls and a pelvis.
My own dear brother.
Ha ha ha ha!
We'll catch up.
Wake the dead!
Wake the dead!
Uncle Atlas, wake up.
Come on, Aunt LaBorgia, wake up.
No, children. You have to dig.
That's half the fun.
Oh, Tish, what more could we ask?
Cara mia, is it true?
Wake up, Grandpa Addams. It's Halloween.
She was beheaded by her own children.
Thank you, buster.
This is the Addams groove
right here. Ah-ha!
Just like that.
You know, you got
to feel this thing.
I'm telling you,
I saw that hand, that thing, man.
Yeah, thank you, Fester.
I need to go back
to the bridge here.
Just like that.
You know, you got
to feel this thing.
I'm telling you,
I saw the hand, that thing, man.
Cousin It got on the floor,
and he got to wigglin'
and he did this move.
Everybody backed up,
you know what I'm saying?
I'm talking about the Addams.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm talking about the Addams.
И ведь что интересно...
Чему как бы учит нас текст фильма Семейка Аддамс
Что из Бермудского треугольника никто не выбирается никогда, даже в отпуск!
И что одежда маньяка-убийцы ничем не отличаются от одежды обычных людей.